My children went to Germany in May 1988. When I finally found them, they wanted to stay in Germany. They said they were happy. As long as my children were happy, that was all I wanted, but I died inside, and didnít come out of my shell for a year.
But everyday God would turn me in the Bible to exactly where He wanted me to be. Everyday He would give me a scripture to sustain me for that day, and somehow I survived. One day was harder than the rest. I wanted to be dead. Without my children there was no reason to live.
It was a couple of months after the kids left that I went out into an empty field beside our house, and I sat in the field for hours beside a tree. I prayed and prayed for the strength to push a butcher knife through my throat, but God never let me. When I went into the house, God had me open the Bible.
The scripture that God turned me to that day in 1988 has been my only hope at times. I still believe the day is coming that God will complete what He has started. The funny thing is that I never found this scripture in my Bible ever again. I have found verses that say about the same thing, but I have never found what He showed me that afternoon.
And what did God show me? As I opened my Bible I turned to a Book of the Bible that only had two pages. In this particular Book of the Bible this is what I read:
I showed you a piece of the glory in the beginning, and now I am going to allow you to go through a period of testing. However, the glory on the backend is more than you can ever imagine.
So why did He show me this particular verse and why havenít I ever found it again? I donít know, but it has strengthened me so many times to read the words I wrote down. I will never understand Godís timing, but I know He knows what He is doing.
A footnote to this story occurred on June 4th 2008 while I was at church. My pastor, Pastor Rob, had presided over communion this Wednesday night and he had really stressed the importance of the cross. The first Wednesday of the month in our church we have praise and worship and communion, so it is always a night my family loves to go to church.
It had been a tough day for our family. Jamie, Jonathan, Jeff, Mauri and I had all gone out to water our small herd of cows and check on one of our cows who was pregnant. We were expecting her baby to be delivered at any time. We got out to our property about 10:30 a.m. and the mother was down, lying on her side, with about twenty buzzards close to her. Her baby was stillborn. The nose and front hooves were out but she couldnít push any more and she was dying from exhaustion and the inability to expel the baby.
We did everything we could to save her. We called every veterinarian we could find a number for, and no one could come out to help. Finally our only option was to pull the baby from the womb. It was a hard process, and the mother finally ended up dying.
We got home about 4:30 pm and we were all exhausted, sunburned and our faith had really been beaten up. Nobody was hungry so we all started bathing and showering and were pretty bummed out.
After everyone had showered or bathed, I asked everyone if they still wanted to go to church. Of course everybody said yes. On a night when we were all so sad, we got to go to church and take our focus off of ourselves, and praise our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Jonathan and Jamie were also asked to serve as ushers that night in church, so on a night when we were all down in spirit, my family got to praise God and serve the body of Christ, both which brings healing.
Anyway, back to communion. As I knelt to pray before taking communion, Lord Jesus spoke to my spirit. He said, ďMy piece of glory in the beginning was the three year period I ministered on earth, and the Cross was My period of testing. Now I am ready for the glory on the backend.Ē Hallelujah.
So what is our lesson? Our red Angus cow and her baby died in the birth process. Please Lord, donít let our vision die in the birth canal. Inspire us to push harder to birth the vision that You have placed within us Lord.
Lord, I humbly ask You to impart Your Fire of the Holy Spirit into our lives. Allow us to keep Your praise and glory on our tongues forevermore. Let us be faithful to speak forth Your name boldly and courageously with wisdom into every situation. Use me Lord for Your will. Help me always share with Your love and forgiveness and mercy. Use me Lord to breathe fire into a lukewarm generation.
King Jesus I am honored to serve You forevermore as my Lord. Bless me Lord with Your love to administer fairly the power you submit unto me by the Holy Spirit. Use me Lord to inspire life into a perishing people, and ignite the hearts of people around the world. Help me breathe fire anointed by You Lord. Please Lord keep me humble yet strong in You. You are my strength Lord. Without You, there is nothing I can accomplish. Thank You for the Cross Lord. I love You.