I am going to share something I don't usually share because I'm usually ridiculed & I'm ashamed.
I had an abortion when I was 19.
I initially wanted my baby but when I told my mom she wasn't very happy. I was fed the same rhetoric, that I had options, this would ruin my life, it's not a baby, wait until you're ready, it's better for your future baby...
And of course, we always want to hear we're not at fault & that what we're doing is okay.
I knew as soon as I did it what I had done was horribly wrong. I felt a sense of shame wash over me. I didn't get off my couch for a month hardly... And all I did was cry.
I had wanted a baby... And I let people I didn't even know convince me that killing my baby was good for my baby!
My husband deals with my grief still 10 years later.
They don't tell you about the grief... I guess some women don't have it, which was evident in the recovery room at the abortion clinic, which made me sad for them... but I realize now it's not necessarily their fault. They are a product of their environment. They believe what makes them feel better, like so many of us do with so many things. We hear what we want to.
But something touched me the moment my baby left my body. All of a sudden their words were rubbish to me & my baby was gone & I was it's executioner. I can never take it back.
The one thing I can say is that if I wouldn't have had my abortion I might be the same person I was before. .. thinking abortion was acceptable in "some cases" and "before a certain week"... And that women do "fine" after abortions and "most feel relieved"...
These are the things I was told by people who I thought I could trust... And now I know their lies because I AM NOT FINE! I AM NOT RELIEVED! AND MY BABY IS DEAD! It didn't work out for either of us!
Every day I look in the mirror & have to wonder if my baby would've had my nose or lips or hair or smile. (I named her Gwen which means "Blessed and Holy")
My relationship with God has grown tremendously, and I have become extremely prolife...
But one of the good things of having experienced it for myself is being able to identify & not judge those who have had abortions.
They are being manipulated & lied to!
This is what we have to work toward! Getting the TRUTH out! The best argument for prolife is knowledge & facts & past experiences!
It is love that will keep babies alive because it's love that can reach the women having them!
That's why they abort! Because the abortion clinics pretend to care while so many prolifers stand outside & condemn & hurl insults. They're hurting their own cause.
One of the reasons I fell in love with my husband was because he was supportive & not condemning.
So please, as a woman who had an abortion at a young age & feels the pain still today, crying as I write this, approach these women with a loving & forgiving heart.
Jesus wants us to live like he did. With compassion & mercy.
Writing down my story in a creative sort of way that will be displayed all over the country in books, museums, etc. It will be a part of a small collection of stories from other women who where hurt by abortion. I'm hand writing it on baby blue paper where the edges are torn. The torn edges remind me of the struggle and the heart ache of being held down against my will and forced to abort. The blue reminds me of the feeling that I was pregnant with a boy who I named Elijah. He will have been 23 years old this summer if he was allowed to live. It's never easy thinking about the day he died. My hopes is that young girls who contemplate abortion will think twice about going to a Women's Health Clinic and instead go to a safe place like a pregnancy center.